The Paradoxical Beauty of Life

“A piece, a part,” says the professor, with dramatic hand gesturing and an intense look on his face. 24 students look up at him with wide eyes, their pens scratching along their papers and their minds soaking in his words. “To be a part of something, a tiny piece floating about on the endless, violent ocean of life…it makes one feel very small, and very big all at once, does it not? At the same time that you are tiny and almost unnoticeable, the larger body cannot function without you. An eardrum is tiny and hard to see, but without it, you all couldn’t hear me.” And all the student’s took notes.

“God, I don’t want ‘David and Jonathan’ friendships! I wasted and ruined so much of my life pursuing that!” I yelled, standing alone in our house.

What’s the point of this? Well, I was looking at my wall last night and smiling at the painting hanging on it with some hefty nails. It was painted by my great friend Sarah Chafin on a piece of drywall for my birthday. Every time something changes in my life, the painting gains a new meaning for me. At first it was an amazing gift from my friend that blew my mind and was very beautiful. I looked at it and thought of how wonderful and profound Godly friendships are, and the impact they have had on my life. I thought of all God taught me about David and Johnathan.

So, I have had a second name since I was 8 years old that I have identified myself by with only my closest family and trusted friends (those who would get it.) Actually, when I was a lesbian my ex-fiancé called me by this name most of the time, when we weren’t using the word “Ulv”. (that’ll be a good story one day when I write it.) My father gave it to me: Nvya Atsilvsgi in Cherokee—or “Stoneflower” in English. He gave me the name Stoneflower, and I later translated it into Cherokee. Its meaning is “One who is as beautiful as a flower, and a tough as a stone.”

I’ve gone by this name in the secret of my heart for so long that it has become a huge part of my identity—a huge part that has gone mostly unknown since I got saved, though EVERYONE knew about it in my old lifestyle. For example, most of my life was lived on the computer back then and I had a separate identity online. All of my internet usernames, role play characters, how I introduced myself to people were all either Stoneflower or Nvya Atsilvsgi. See my myspace URL or my DeviantArt URL and username for examples. (those were created shortly after getting saved, when I was still identifying myself as Stoneflower.)

I still don’t think I’ve conveyed how big this name is in my life, and in who I’ve become. I commissioned a piece of artwork depicting this name in its online physical manifestation from an artist I role played with who I greatly respected:













Stoneflower is the red wolf on the left. When I created this wolf form, this name for myself became a “her” that I would refer to sometimes, and she (the wolf) became how I saw my inner self. I was involved in Native American spirituality for so long I was convinced that my soul was a wolf. I would do native meditations to meet with this wolf spirit guide. (There are a lot of details to that, but they aren’t appropriate to put here. Wait for the book, or ask me in person.)

The huge tattoo on my back? The story behind its original meaning is that if there were a window on my body that would allow people to look into my soul, it (my soul) would look like a wolf. And so the tattoo is of a wolf—Stoneflower actually—looking out from my soul through a frame in my skin. That was just three years ago, about 4 months after I got saved. I believed this stuff 100% until about July of 2006. I gave up homosexuality and Native American spirituality at the same time, for the same reasons. (Which were that neither of them were biblically supported, and God said so.)

The Lord, in his wonderful mercy, has redeemed the meaning of that tattoo that’s going to be on my back for the rest of my life. It’s an amazing metaphor for who I was, and who I am through living life with Jesus Christ. (See Matthew 7:15 for who I was, and Isaiah 11:1-9 for who I am now!) I’m going to get it changed to incorporate this message. If people could see my spirit now, they would see Jesus Christ’s face looking back at them! I’ve been delivered and forgiven for the Native American spirituality, I don’t role play her online anymore, and I’ve changed as much as I could on my DevArt and MySpace to have my real name.

The thing is that the name Stoneflower came to symbolize who I was back then—I used it in my false religions, in my homosexual relationships, my failed and unhealthy straight ones, with my Satanist/anime/Goth/cultist friends, and in the secret double-life I lived on the internet that kept me from the real life around me. What was a wonderful thing, though associated with Native American spirituality from the beginning, became something not so good. The fact remains that although I haven’t really thought about that part of my old identity in a year, I’ve never dealt with it before. It didn’t cross my mind that I needed to. Therefore, as such a deep part of me for so long, the spiritual effects of it are still there somewhere in me, affecting my identity. Which I didn’t realize until last night, through a strange thing that God did on Saturday.

Saturday morning was my last morning at City Light, and when it was time for me to leave the ladies lined up to hug me! Each one of them expresses themselves and their love in a different way when they hugged me: one lady picked me up in her hug and swung me around, laughing. Another held on to me with a mother’s hug and prayed in my ear. One lady who hugged me calls me by a nickname that’s she’s called me from the first day I met her. It just stuck, and everyone there seemed to agree that it was fitting: Sunshine. Which made me laugh, because it’s only by the grace of God that I’m so full of his light and love and energy every time they wake up. Often I spend the night rather not shiny at all, but praying and crying out to God. Naturally, I’ve always felt like a very stoic, mellow kinda person. Darker, but not in an evil way. To the ladies at CityLight, the women I worked with, and a lot of the people who’ve only known me in the last two years of my life, however, I’m “Sunshine.”

Well, I was downtown evangelizing at the 8th street market Pastor Kelly Wilde and some others of our YP gang, when Stephanie DuPold pointed out a guy walking away with a bunch of sunflowers in his hand. They were really pretty, I thought. Jen Glover later joined us, and when she and I were driving back I happened to see a single, GIANT sunflower growing out of the median divider right where the connector blends into the freeway. I thought it was absolutely a bazaar place for one to grow so big and healthy-looking.

Then we were parked at the light at the Eagle Rd Exit and there were more sunflowers right there. That’s when I got it, and exclaimed out loud “What is up with the sunflowers? Seriously!” and Jen smiled, glanced at me, and said “Maybe God is trying to tell you something.” Pause here, half a glance out of the corner of her eye. “…Sunshine.” We giggled about that a bit, and I went back to our previous conversation.

There were two more sunflower sightings to be had that day: a package of sunflower seeds at Jen’s Parent’s house on the table, and in a guy’s truck while Jen, her mom, and I were driving around on our Donna Mix adventure. By the fifth sighting, Jen’s comment at the light was confirmed in my mind, and I was desperate to find out about sunflowers and see what the Lord was telling me! I looked a little that night, but I’d been up for two days and had to go to sleep. It wasn’t until monday morning that I could really sit down and study sunflowers, but I was writing a heading on a page in my journal sunday night in preparation for studying (since Jen was using my computer and I couldn’t do it then).

In big letters I wrote at the top of the page:

Immediately a voice inside of me said “Stoneflower” and I jumped a bit and looked at the page.

“What God?” I asked silently, not getting why he just said my old name to me.

“Stoneflower,” He said again.

I repeated it under my breath. “Stoneflower…well, that’s my name, right? Or was.”

“Stoneflower will no longer be your name,” he said, “for you are no longer a stone, but a sun.”

I looked back at the page, and a grin spread on my face. My heart skipped a beat or two—like it usually does when God’s around doing things in my life. “Sun…flower.” I whispered.

God continued. “My sunshine comes out of you. You are SUNflower, and STONEflower no longer.”

I started giggling at this. Jen must have wondered what I was giggling at on the other side of the room—it was completely out of nowhere, if you didn’t know what was going on in my spirit. I looked at the heading on my paper again and laughed some more, tickled pink at the God we serve and what He just did! Of all things. Changing my name. It donned on me how huge that was in my life…and the fact that he changed it. I remembered Jacob (Israel) and Simon (Peter) and Saul (Paul). In the spirit of these names, knowing the biblical meaning behind the names helped to understand the deeper reason for the change, so I went today and looked up verses on Stones and Suns.

STONE:

• Genesis 29:2: “There he saw a well in the field, with three flocks of sheep lying near it because the flocks were watered from that well. The stone over the mouth of the well was large.”
• Exodus 15:5: “The deep waters have covered them; they sank to the depths like a stone.
• Judges 9:5: “He went to his father's home in Ophrah and on one stone murdered his seventy brothers, the sons of Jerub-Baal. But Jotham, the youngest son of Jerub-Baal, escaped by hiding.”
• Proverbs 26:27: “If a man digs a pit, he will fall into it; if a man rolls a stone, it will roll back on him.”
• Isaiah 14:19: “But you are cast out of your tomb like a rejected branch; you are covered with the slain, with those pierced by the sword, those who descend to the stones of the pit. Like a corpse trampled underfoot,”
• Ezekiel 11:19: “I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh.”
• Matthew 27:60: “…and placed it in his own new tomb that he had cut out of the rock. He rolled a big stone in front of the entrance to the tomb and went away.”

Stones are thrown at people when they mess up. People and animals are killed on stones. Stones are set up as monuments, always standing in one place, making people remember the things that happened there but never moving on themselves. Stones block wells, and are rolled away so that the dead who are risen back to life can walk out. Stones are hard, immobile things. Though they are tough, and withstand so much, they are also stationary and harsh. They can’t help what people do with them—they’re used for terrible and wonderful things. They also have a tendency to stand alone.

I tell you, I struggle with a stoney-ness at heart sometimes. I struggle with keeping distance between me and other people—for fear of hurting them somehow usually. Or just because I don’t know naturally how to act properly around people—it’s something the Lord has taught me the last three years. I’m seen standing off awkwardly by myself with my fists shoved in my pockets, unable to even carry on a good conversation, let alone “hang out”. I often experience a “sinking” feeling in my heart for no apparent reason, and am powerless to raise my emotional state—not without major God interference. And it happens so frequently, and usually lasts so long, that it gets in the way of life. (An issue God addressed this summer, actually.) I have also had a tendency to stand and say “remember! Remember what happened here?!” and forgot what’s happening today in helping people remember what happened yesterday. Stoneflower indeed...

SUN:

• Judges 5:31: “ "So may all your enemies perish, O LORD! But may they who love you be like the sun when it rises in its strength." Then the land had peace forty years.”
• 2 Samuel 23:4: “he is like the light of morning at sunrise on a cloudless morning, like the brightness after rain that brings the grass from the earth.' ”
• Job 8:16: “He is like a well-watered plant in the sunshine, spreading its shoots over the garden;”
• Psalm 37:6: “He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.”
• Psalm 84:11: “For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless.”
• Psalm 104:22: “The sun rises, and they steal away; they return and lie down in their dens.”
• Ecclesiastes 1:14: “I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind.”
• Isaiah 18:4: “This is what the LORD says to me: "I will remain quiet and will look on from my dwelling place, like shimmering heat in the sunshine, like a cloud of dew in the heat of harvest."
• Malachi 4:2: “But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall.”

The sun brings warmth and light and life. Sunlight brings the plants to life, and gives us light in order to work by. There’s actually a lot in the bible about the sun revealing injustice—that truth is revealed under sunlight. I only posted one verse in reference to that, but there are a lot. When the sun rises, the devourers run to hide in their dens. Malachi 4:2 says that the sun of righteousness brings healing when it rises, and rejoicing. There is such rejoicing and joy under sunshine. The Lord is said to shine with light, like a sun. And man…Isaiah 18:4…I want the Lord to be the heat in my sunshine! Hehe! It makes me so happy just reading them, and so humbled. When I think of sunlight I think of warmth, love, intimacy, togetherness with people. Goodness. God is good.

“Sunshine” was my nickname this summer. Indeed, it could almost characterize what this summer has been to me. God has been one ONE vein this summer, and he has spent three months talking about the same thing in a million different ways. The details of that are another story (for now), but let’s just say that God taught me things and did thing through me, with me, in me that transformed my Stone-like countenance. I am no longer a flower made out of stone. I am a sun and shine with the light and warmth and movement and beauty of Christ Jesus! Sunflower.

Let’s look at some of the characteristics of Sunflowers:

First I’ll present a fact, and then I’ll discuss it. Please stick with me…it’s fascinating, revealing, and faith-building. At least I thought so.

1. “What is usually called the flower is actually a head (formally composite flower) of numerous florets (small flowers) crowded together. The outer florets are the sterile ray florets and can be yellow, maroon, orange, or other colors. The florets inside the circular head are called disc florets, which mature into what are traditionally called "sunflower seeds," but are actually the fruit (an achene) of the plant. The inedible husk is the wall of the fruit and the true seed lies within the kernel.”

• It’s not one flower, but MANY that combine to make one flower. And only when all of these individual flowers join together can they produce fruit. Not only does this make a statement about Christianity—in that none of us can produce fruit without a church family that we’re planted into—it also says something about me. SO MANY things have happened in my life…I’ve often said, with a hint of bitterness I tried to suppress, that I’m a “jack of all trades, but master of none” meaning that I’ve experienced a little bit of everything, but don’t feel especially gifted at, called to, or experienced with any one thing. Well…ALL of those things, those individual flowers in my life, are needed. All the little events, all the things I’ve been taught since I got saved, all the stories, et cetera. Every person that has come and gone in my life. Without all of them, they could never form one flower—one ME—and without all of them, I couldn’t produce fruit quite like I’m called to.

2. “Sunflowers in the bud stage exhibit heliotropism. At sunrise, the faces of most sunflowers are turned towards the east. Over the course of the day, they follow the sun from east to west, while at night they return to an eastward orientation. As the bud stage ends, the stem stiffens and the blooming stage is reached.”

• When I got saved, I NEEDED to “keep my face always turned toward the SON”! We all do, but as I’ve said before I haven’t experienced Everyone’s story, only mine. I was so deep into darkness and deception that I was a deceiver. I was a false prophet that led so many people astray. But the Lord saved me, and I HAD to be lost in Him 24/7. I needed his presence constantly. I needed the strictest standards set, the highest limitations, no distractions whatsoever. Not just for my sake, but for others’ sakes. I needed my face turned toward the sun. Even if I looked away for good things—such as in depth ministry—it would have distracted me too much, and the Lord was doing work on me.

3. “Sunflowers in the blooming stage are not heliotropic anymore. The stem has frozen, typically in an eastward orientation. The stem and leaves lose their green color.”

• The Lord causes me to bloom. Because of HIS glory and HIS sacrifice, I shine. He makes me colorful, warm, and bright. I can stand firm in the knowledge of him and be involved in the things he’s asked me to do—bear fruit and grow up—because I know him. I can be involved in people’s lives because I’m not afraid that if I look away for a moment, somehow he’s left me. That if I look away for a moment, somehow I’ll mess up and hurt people, or myself. No, I know that weather I’m constantly doing “church/spiritual” things 24/7 or not, that his light in inside of me, shining down on me, all around me, coming through me, et cetera. And when a dark season comes, I stand firm and look toward the Word of God, knowing that His light will shine again soon, weather I can see it now or not.

4. “A wild sunflower typically does not turn toward the sun; its flowering heads may face many directions when mature. However, the leaves typically exhibit some heliotropism.”

• When a Christian isn’t plugged into a church family, or isn’t following God 100% it’s like a wild sunflower. They don’t always look toward the sun. There are many, many different directions that they turn to, but no matter where they turn some part of them CAN’T HELP but turn toward GOD! It’s their nature—the natural inclination of every one of us. We can’t help ourselves. Also, wild sunflowers often have multiple heads. How many Christians not living victoriously often have different people that they become around different groups? How many faces do you have?

5. “However, for commercial farmers growing commodity crops, the sunflower, like any other unwanted plant, is often considered a weed. Especially in the midwestern USA, wild (perennial) species are often found in corn and soybean fields and can have a negative impact on yields.”

• In fact, those people who aren’t plugged in or aren’t serving the Lord 100% can HURT good things that are happening, or other people, even though they might not mean to. When people see a “Christian” not living a Christian life, it hurts their perception of God and the church and Jesus, and can negatively affect “crops”.

6. “The sunflower is native to the Americas. Current research shows that it may have been domesticated twice, first in Mexico and later in the middle Mississippi Valley. The earliest known examples of a fully domesticated sunflower north of Mexico have been found in Tennessee and date back to around 2300 B.C.”

• What’s interesting about this is the connection to Native Americans. In fact, the Tennessee area that it mentions is CHEROKEE territory, traditionally! That’s huge. My dad has always claimed his Cherokee heritage more than the Cheyenne. It’s Cherokee that he speaks fluently, the Cherokee tribe that he is a member of, Cherokee to which my name Stoneflower was translated—Nvya Atsilvsgi—and the Cherokee people that first domesticated the sunflower in North America. Wow. Ironic? Hey, I don’t believe in irony or coincidence.

7. “During the 18th Century, the use of sunflower oil became very popular in Europe, particularly with members of the Russian Orthodox Church because sunflower oil was one of the few oils that was not prohibited during Lent.”

• Just a really cool fact. Sunflower oil is permitted during Lent, where most oils aren’t. Fascinating.

8. “Some recently developed cultivars have drooping heads. These cultivars are less attractive to gardeners growing the flowers as ornamental plants, but appeal to farmers, because they reduce bird damage and losses from some plant diseases.”

• Even the unattractive ones have a HUGE purpose—they fight off disease and protect crops! In my own life, this is huge. Protecting growing Christians from enemies that might harm them, such as spiritual enemies, and also protection from diseases infecting crops. Diseases such as false teachings, injustice, hidden sin, hypocrisy, or just false perceptions that are affecting fruit production (et cetera) for example. That goes back to “revealing injustice” function of the Sun bible verses. Awesome!

9. “The sunflower is the state flower of the U.S. state of Kansas.”

• This made me laugh so hard. Are you kidding me??!! OF ALL PLACES! LOL! If you know the details of my homosexuality testimony, you’ll know what I mean here. Again, I don’t believe in coincidence. Kansas…geez. Crazy God!

10. “Subject of Van Gogh's most famous still life, Sunflowers (series of paintings).”

• Ironic, isn’t it, that God called me to start painting in January 2008? And that he’s been using those paintings in awesome ways ever since? (He has been. It’s amazing!) Even sunflowers themselves are artistically done. God made it so that “typically each floret is oriented toward the next by approximately the golden angle, producing a pattern of interconnecting spirals where the number of left spirals and the number of right spirals are successive Fibonacci numbers. Typically, there are 34 spirals in 1 direction and 55 in the other; on a very large sunflower you may see 89 in one direction and 144 in the other.” What a coincidence…*cough* *cough*

11. “The Jerusalem artichoke (Helianthus tuberosa) is related to the sunflower, another example of perennial sunflower.”

• JERUSALEM artichoke huh? “coincidences” dear me. How ironic again. LOL!

So, you see…SUNFLOWERS. How huge, huh? I am no longer Stoneflower, according to God. He has given me a new name, a new identity—when all I asked for, like Jacob, was to be blessed. Jacob had a permanent limp because he was wrestling with God for so long…he ran the risk of being unable to work or hindered in his work because of it. The physical shortcoming could have ruined his life. Of course he wasn’t going to let go until there was a blessing—he just didn’t realize that the true handicap wasn’t the limp in his leg; rather, it was the hindrance in his name. “Heal-grabber” which pointed back to his being “second best” and a deceiver. (That’s two different sermons I’ve heard preached on Jacob, actually. His story has really impacted my life.)

I’ve been struggling for so long with these aforementioned stone-like qualities in myself, which I developed because of my years fighting against God. Literally AGAINST the church, against Him, in spite and bitterness, and knowingly. Years. I thought that it was my emotions, my social awkwardness, my stand-offish heart that was the problem, and I’ve been dealing with those. I’ve been working with God and praying to God concerning them SO MUCH this summer, and in the past, just asking him to fix them. I didn’t realize until now that THEY aren’t the problem…it was my identity. This name implanted so deeply into my soul, unintentionally hidden for two years, but not dealt with.

Jacob (heal-grabber/deceiver) became Israel (One who contends with God). Stoneflower (Beautiful as a flower, but tough as Stone) became Sunflower (Jesus-Shiner Jug5:31 who contends for righteousness Mal4:2).

Goodness, that’s awesome. Who’da thunk it? I can get used to this.

God bless,
Jennie “Sunflower” Smith

SCOURCES FOR THIS BLOG:
Information: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sunflower
Picture #1: http://imustbedead.deviantart.com/art/Sunflower-59788053
Picture #2: http://shadowwolf.deviantart.com/
Picture#3: http://splucy.deviantart.com/art/Sunflower-29287524

Me: He uses me.

Invisible Person In My Head: What? Who’s using you? Using you for what? I don’t understand! If someone’s hurting you I’ll…

No, no no. Not like that. HE’S using me.

Okay…whatever that means. What for?

A million things, in a million ways, and 99% of the time I have no idea why He chose to use me. But he did is the thing. It’s not like I have much to offer…just a bunch of bad experiences, bad choices, and a heart that’s only ever wanted to know the truth and live for it. Boy did that lead me down some bad roads…you can’t decide what’s true based on what your heart says. It lies I tell you! The heart, that is. But the bible says that he who seeks the truth will find it, and that God is bigger than the heart.

Way to be vague. Get to the point already.

The point? Okay, the point. I don’t have a lot to offer the world, but God seems to love what I have. He gave me so much…and yet I have no idea what to do with anything he’s given me most of the time. I’m not the boldest person in the world, nor the most talented, the most intelligent, or eloquent, or beautiful, or even the most sane. Haha, or even remotely sane. I may have a crazy awesome testimony, but that’s because I’ve never done anything in my life for more than five years. Except breathe, eat, sleep, etc. “Jack of All Trades and Master of None” I’ve always said of myself.

Still waiting for the point.

I’m getting there! I’ve begun to realize that most things in life have little to do with understanding, at least when it comes to God. “Making Sense” isn’t high on the list of importance. He says it true, it’s true. He says to do it, you do it. He says…you follow.

He says go sit at Starbucks and talk to the kid behind the counter for two hours, I say “fine. I’m depressed, but I’ll go” and I end up telling my testimony to this homosexual guy I’ve been getting coffee from and watch him give his life back to the Lord and turn from it. Then the Lord decides “Hey, I want you to disciple him as he’s walking away from this, just for these first five months or so, and then you’ll probably never see him again.” I say “Cool, I’m a girl but I’ll do it Lord. Whatever you say” and this kid gets fired up for Jesus. (That happened in Lewiston this last year. Good story…)

God says “Hey, go give your testimony at the Boy’s Detention Center with David Betts. I’m going to give you favor with them—your story itself will speak to them powerfully.” I say “I have no idea what to say—I’ll forget all of my carefully-written notes when I get up there and just say what happened. But okay” and then get invited back to speak a sermon to them—my first sermon ever. And God uses it powerfully, and I get invited back as soon as available. To speak to a room full of guys in Juvenile Boy Prison.

The funny thing about all of that is that I’ve never been good around men. I’m bad at talking to men, I don’t hang out with men, none of my closest friends are guys. The only men I’ve ever been close to are my dad and my full-blood brother. But apparently God likes using me to reach out to men. Go figure.

Nifty. Where you going with this?

Well, this summer God says “Apply for work at Starbucks and CityLight Women and Children’s Shelter.” I say “sounds good. Will do.” Then he says “and by the way, move in with your best friend. I want you two to share a room, a bed, everything. It’s very practical.” I say “Oh boy…you trust me God? You delivered me…okay, whatever you say, I’m excited!”

What happened this time you obeyed him?

Well, let me tell you. Next thing I know, God’s using me to minister to an entire house full of women…and all I’m doing is telling them what I’ve experienced. Nothing more. Sharing bible verses and truths the Lord shared with me, telling about things He did in my life, et cetera. And as I’m discipling these women old enough to be my mothers and grandmothers, God is using me in their lives. At night I’m the only one to protect them. I’m nurse, friend, spiritual leader, guard, defender, maid, technician, and more. There were nights when I literally had to check on a woman every thirty minutes to make sure she was still breathing…I watched over and protected her breath. I held them when they cried, rejoiced with them when things went well, prayed for them when they needed things beyond their reach, and smiled at them when the last thing they wanted was to be happy.

Then I went home and fell asleep next to the girl who was sharing my deodorant. Ha ha. We shared everything that could possibly be shared, including alone time, worship time, prayer time, social circles, jobs, issues, families…et cetera, et cetera…ha ha. There was no one else I would have done that with…it was at once the safest, and most dangerous thing God could have asked me to do. But that’s another story.

You’ll have to tell me that one sometime.

I will…when it’s completed enough to tell. The Lord delivered me from homosexuality 100%...it’s no longer an issue, but I hadn’t had the opportunity to see it proven. It hadn’t crossed my mind that I needed it proven to me. Apparently I was keeping people—women in particular—at an arm’s distance for “safety”, and limiting what God wanted to do with me. There has been so MUCH this summer…and one aspect of this diamond of a summer as been godly intimacy with women. Another part of it—a bigger part of it—has been God using me to reach out. Here’s what blows my mind.

Go on…

Well, God had me start working at Starbucks, and there was this person there a lot like the first Starbucks guy I mentioned, but farther along. Deeper into it than anyone I’ve encountered yet. I work at this Starbucks for almost three months, hardly say more than a few sentences to him and never anything serious or deep, and then the Lord says to me “tell him your story.” I say “okay…but please make an opportunity.”

He made one. Me and this guy were filling in for two other people, neither of us were actually scheduled, and we happened to be closing, and I told him my story. Nothing more, not even in the most detail ever because there wasn’t time. No theology around it, no preaching, none of that. Just simply what I’ve experienced. He knows what I’ve done this summer—where I’ve worked and who I’ve lived with, all of that. He would understand without me having to explain it why it’s all so momentous.And things are changing…seeds are blooming…we’re watching and waiting with breath held in excitement.

I know deep within myself that big things are happening. Funny thing is that I doubt I’ll even be here to see it happen…I’m leaving in a week and a half. I’ll be told about it by the same people who have chosen to walk beside me as I traveled the road this man and so many, many more are going to travel.

It blows me away…that God uses me. All I ever do is say what I’ve experienced. Nothing more than that. It’s pretty simple, really. I was having a conversation with my roommate one night and said something about what I’ve experienced in my life, something about the Love of God, and she said “everybody needs that. It’s what breaks down walls in everyone” and I blinked at her, smiled, and said “but I don’t know what everybody has experienced. All I know is what I’VE experienced.” It was an interesting exchange I thought.

I have nothing much to offer, but He uses me in powerful ways. People see things in me that are only there because the Holy Spirit lives inside of me, and I’ve been born again in Jesus. Everything that I am is because of Him…without him, I’m nothing. Die to yourself and live for him…only then will you truly live. Just obey Him and tell people what he’s done in you. That alone will set them free.

So, basically, the point is…?

Basically, the point is LOVE. If you love God, you will obey him. (Jesus said that…) These are a few things that have happened in my life when I’ve obeyed him…I’m excited to get the opportunity to obey him again tomorrow. And the next day. And the next. I may be a Jack of All Trades, but I want to be A Master of ONE: loving God.

I’m coming back to Lewiston in a few weeks. Coming, going…depends on where you are. To the people here in Boise I’m GOING back. To the people in Lewiston I’m COMING back. Ah, this life God has given me is so paradoxical. It always seems that God has something in my life that’s in conflict, yet works together at the same time because it HAS to. There’re always two truths in my heart straining against each other it seems, and yet they are both the truth so they both have to be there.

What I mean to say is that I’m excited to come back. I feel like my hands have been idle this summer, since everything that I’m deeply involved in and actually can do something for is in L-town. That might have something to do with my insane work schedule this summer. Of course I’m as involved here as I can get, and the Lord has started giving me some important connections down here that I’ll need when I return for good. I can see some doors opening here, and yet in my heart of hearts I know that it’s not the time to walk through them, and so I stay on the road he gave me three years ago…to Lewiston, ID. I know that there is a LOT waiting for me there. People, ministry, school, jobs, and so much more…it’s going to be wonderful.

At the same time, I’m sad that I’m going back. This summer has been…different. And wonderful. Challenging. Mind-blowing. It’s been different than any season I’ve experienced WITH GOD yet. He’s done more through me, I feel, than he’s done in me. I have so many stories of times that he’s used me, and breakthroughs I’ve seen other people have, and divine opportunities that I know planted seeds. And I wasn’t even involved in the Downtown Ministry this summer…it’s all been random stuff God has set up.

My home life this summer has been a paradoxical thing as well—completely safe, and yet utterly dangerous—but, more than that, wonderful. Safe because of the way God set it up, and with who, and all of that. And yet dangerous, at least to my mind at first, because of where I’ve come from. If I were God I wouldn’t have trusted me with this…so THANK GOODNESS that I’m not, huh? He knows me better than I do.

God has stretched me so much this summer in ways that I haven’t been stretched in yet. He’s gone to lengths that I would NEVER had expected him to go to, and completely unnerved me at times. And, in doing so, he’s touched my heart with a tenderness in my relationships I haven’t experienced in years, and an intimacy I didn’t feel myself worthy of again. A level of trust I hadn’t given to myself, let alone thought I would ever receive. I know now, without a shadow of doubt, that “it is finished” and I have an idea of where I need to work on next.

There are a lot of amazing specifics to this summer, but I would rather tell you about them in person…

I guess the point of this is just to say I’m coming back and there’s a lot to tell—I’m so excited! But it’s also to say I’m going back, and it breaks my heart that I have to leave this place, this unique season that I doubt I’ll ever experience again. But life IS paradoxical. After all, Matthew 10:39 says “Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” I think that’s a fitting scripture.