The Paradoxical Beauty of Life

My heart is breaking. I walk around this place every day, and oh the things I see with opened eyes…the way my heart breaks as it grows more in line with the Lord's. This godly compassion that afflicts me so sweetly. He placed me in a place where his spirit was moving in mighty, revival-type ways. Something in me snapped forever because his spirit was SO STRONG. Now, I read and watch and hear from friends what is going on there now…increasing urgency in the spirit, God's people rising up as one in unity, the might and power of the Lord manifesting itself on this earth and oh…oh how my spirit cries out "as if in the throes of labor." (see the psalms)

To have tasted, to have seen, and then to be taken out and put somewhere else. Yes, the Lord is here. Yes, their hearts are devoted to him. Yes, yes to all of those protesting questions. You can be doing everything right, and still it's "just another Sunday", just another College Crew, just another small group, just another week where we're "waiting in faith" for the day that the lord sends us somewhere else to save lives and achieve what we feel our destiny is…oh, it hurts. The urgency and hunger and straining in the spirit...

How can I describe what it's like to experience more of the Lord? That everyday urgency, hunger, passion, selflessness, and love…where there are 150 people showing up every day to pray for our nation, our state, our colleges, everything, passionate and hungry to the point of desperation…3 times a day corporate Daniel prayer, and not because someone declared some nifty 40-days-of-something with a handy booklet to study so you don't actually have to think about things yourself, and people forget once the 40 days are over…there is no end in sight to this increasing passion and prayer. It will go on as long as it is needed—the spirit of Lord! The passion of the spirit!

Forgive me if I make no sense…I know it probably sounds like I am rambling on, overzealous or rebellious or some other such negative impression that comes to people's minds when such bold words are read, and the negative stings felt. I cannot help it…there is so much more, and even what I have yet experienced is but a small taste of what is to come, of what can be. My eyes are set on impossible things, and my spirit starves for the presence of the Lord…I cannot live without his presence, I cannot survive without more of his spirit, more, more more more….it's the insistent cry of my soul: more of you God! MORE!

Forgive me for my passion. I cannot describe what can't be described. You have to experience it for yourself to understand…the more I learn about the might of our passionate God, the more I realize that He is out of our systems, our understanding, our "1-2-3" way of thinking…he is wild and powerful and crazy and passionate and he never, ever quits pursuing us. And oh, the more we become like him…what does that say about who we are to become as we become more like Jesus every day? Crazy, passionate, wild, powerful, doggedly-persistent…his presence is addicting. His powerful, wild presence is consuming, and like a flame it sends us up in a roar of fiery passion. The thing about being on FIRE for God, my friends? It hurts to be on fire. It's agony to be on fire. When you sing let your life fall down, think about those words…

As a prayer warrior said to me once: "are you willing to go to that place of suffering for the sake of others?"

The Lord has brought people across my path this last month and a half who are burning and aching for other people, and for the Lord to move. There is a straining in the spirit here, as if a mighty beast is being held back by ropes. Like boiling water that is covered with a lid. Spirit of God, shake this valley and shake your people so that the ropes break, and the pot boils over and sheds off the restricting lid. Let us pray in earnestness and passion, and love this city. As the darkness gets darker, let the light get brighter or the light will die! Darkness only overtakes a room when the light of the candle flickers out…darkness itself never puts out the candle. It's the candle's own doing that it went out.

This is not just another week. Take today and shake everything, everywhere you go. Take up your armor, your sword, and let out your battle cry…it's time for the church to rise up in prayer and evangelism, and do some warfare. It's time to get on our knees and cry for the aching of others. If the fire does not get brighter and grow, I fear that it will flicker out.

That's it. This probably makes no sense. I hope this isn't offending, but conviction would be good. I'm just starving is all…I've tasted and seen a tiny portion of how good the Lord is, and my spirit won't settle for less than everything of Him. I'm hungry for the fullness of God! Forgive my passion. Like Ezekiel, I cannot stop sounding the battle cry until the message is heard…the mighty, loving Lord Jesus has asked me to speak. What can I do but as he asks?

~Jennie